9 Things Only Passive-Aggressive People Do

While an occasional passive-aggressive approach to life’s problems isn’t unusual, for some people manipulation and indirect communication are a way of life. Passive-aggressive people often go undetected in the office and in their social circles–at least initially–because they disguise their seething hostility with a pleasant demeanor.

Here are nine things only passive-aggressive people do:

1. They Deliberately “Forget” to Do Things

Passive-aggressive people prefer to be viewed as “absentminded” rather than disagreeable. Instead of declining to work on a project, a passive-aggressive co-worker may claim he forgot about the deadline. Or a passive-aggressive friend may say she forgot to make reservations for that restaurant you’d been talking about because she didn’t actually want to go.

2. They Say Yes When They Have No Intention of Following Through

In an effort to look like people-pleasers, passive-aggressive people rarely say no. They may ignore invitations altogether, only to later claim they never received the invite. They often robustly agree to face-to-face invitations–even the things they have no desire to do. To escape their obligations, they may cancel plans at the last minute by feigning an illness or emergency.

3. They Engage in Backstabbing Behavior

It’s not that passive-aggressive people don’t share their opinions–it’s that they don’t share them in an upfront manner. They’re likely to complain to everyone except the person they’re complaining about. Their indirect approach hurts relationships and does nothing to solve problems.

4. They Are Inefficient on Purpose

Passive-aggressive people are stubborn. When they don’t want to do something, they often become as inefficient as possible to avoid getting the job done. Rather than say, “I’m having trouble with this project,” a passive-aggressive person may procrastinate on purpose in the hope someone else will take over.

5. They Mask Their Resentment With a Smile

Passive-aggressive people don’t express their anger or displeasure in an open manner. Many of them have years of resentment and bitterness built up, and it’s often lurking just beneath a phony smile. No matter how much they disagree with what you’re saying, they’ll work hard to appear as though they fully support your statements.

6. They Seek Revenge

Hidden beneath their outwardly agreeable personas is a desire to punish those who have hurt them. Passive-aggressive people often go to great lengths to retaliate against individuals they believe have taken advantage of them. Their plots for revenge are often indirect–an anonymous angry email or a nasty rumor spread throughout the office are just a couple of the approaches passive-aggressive people may take.

7. They Exhibit Learned Helplessness

Passive-aggressive people don’t believe they have much control over the events in their lives. Rather than take steps to solve problems, they convince themselves, “there’s no use trying, because I can’t do anything about it anyway.” Their passive approach unnecessarily subjects them to more hardship and, unfortunately, many of their negative predictions turn into self-fulfilling prophecies.

8. They Go to Great Lengths to Avoid Confrontation

Even when they’re deeply offended, passive-aggressive people avoid direct confrontation. Sometimes, they offer incongruent communication, by saying things like, “That’s fine. Whatever!” or “Well, if you don’t care about my feelings, then I guess you don’t need to do that.” They allow others to treat them poorly, and they refuse to admit their feelings are hurt.

9. They Manipulate People

Passive-aggressive people struggle to ask for what they want, and they resort to manipulative tactics to get their needs met. Instead of asking for help carrying a box, a passive-aggressive person may complain, “I’m probably going to hurt my back carrying that box upstairs all by myself.” They don’t mind others feeling sorry for them or taking pity on them–as long as it works to get their needs met.

Addressing Passive-Aggressive Behavior

If you’re prone to taking a passive-aggressive approach to life, there are steps you can take to become more assertive. When your words are in line with your emotions and your behavior, you’ll enjoy a much more authentic life.

If you spot signs of a passive-aggressive co-worker, friend, or family member, be willing to hold that person accountable. Allowing passive-aggressive people to shirk responsibility or avoid confrontation only reinforces their behavior.

Amy Morin is a psychotherapist, keynote speaker, and the author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do, a bestselling book that is being translated into more than 20 languages.

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